Hope after Grieving

Freedom 2012
Oil on canvas 36"x 48"

I had begun a painting with a theme of “freedom” before I left to go back to China for my second term to serve as a missionary in 2005.  I had painted a chain that was broken, but somehow it wasn’t quiet right.  I felt it was a bit crèche and missing a substantial content.  So I had packed it away for many years. 

When the professor of the Grief and Loss class mentioned about the art project as a required assignment, the “unfinished” painting came to mind. As the class progressed, I learned that the grief process resembles life.  Everyone goes through “ups” and “downs”, but the one who comes out of the “downs” and ventures on begins to have a new hope again. He or she will experience what I would call the “resurrection” from grief. That person will be stronger and more resilient as he or she experiences hope again.

Grief process is like walking in the dark tunnel.  You feel like you are alone, in total isolation. No one seems to really understand you.  However, grieving properly by taking each stage as it comes; whether it is anger, denial, resentment, or accepting; you will begin to see the glimmer light at the other end.

As I learned different grief process models, I began to reflect on the last seven years of my missionary work in China.  I learned that during that period I experienced many unique challenges and losses.  I realized that I did not grieve properly for I did not even know those were losses.  The biggest loss for me was my idealized passion, which was almost naïve at times.  When people that I was serving disappointed me, or the fact the ministry was not what I was fantasizing about, I felt depressed. I first denied it. Then I became angry. I was angry with God and the people around me. I was, eventually, disappointed at myself.  Interestingly, when I felt I hit the bottom and felt totally useless, the Lord began to shower me with his new hopes and dreams again. Even now, I am slowly and cautiously beginning to have new hopes and dreams again. 

This painting is a testimony of my journey as a missionary. This is to admit that there were times of dark tunnel-walking in my ministry.  But as Psalms 23 indicates, it is not the valley of death that I am in, but only the valley of the shadow of death.  It may look like dreadful death, but it cannot harm me for I have a light that penetrates even this kind of darkness.  

Broken Alabaster Jar

Luke 7: 36-50 (Parallel Passages: Matthew 26:6-13, Mark 14:1-11, John 12: 1-8)

Setting: Jesus, while dining at a Pharisee’s house, was anointed by a woman with a sinful lifestyle.

Main character: Woman (probably Mary), Jesus, Simon (Pharisee)      

Do you have a special thing that you treasure like your own life? I have paintings I painted over many years. They are like my babies to me. They reflect my ability, my status, my values, and even my theology. Through the paintings, I communicate to the world that I am a talented artist, a critical philosopher, and a gentle counselor. The paintings show my years of experience and a glimpse of my future. They were my pride and my treasure…Do you have a treasure in your life?

An alabaster jar of ointment was very expensive in those days, a year’s wages. That’s at least $20,000 or more in USD. Nard (Spikenard) was most likely the content of the jar because alabaster itself was such a pricey item, not like a clay jar that stored more common items like olive oil. In the Jewish custom, either nard or myrrh was used in burial ceremonies, but most people used myrrh for the price of nard was high. Nard was also used for medicinal purposes to soothe the afflicted and a sedative purpose to relieve insomnia. Because of its fragrance, it was also used as a perfume.

But what was the symbolic meaning of the breaking of the alabaster jar? The woman (without name mentioned) was described as a sinner in her town. That meant everyone in the town labeled her as a sinful woman. Most commentators associate the sinfulness as prostitution. Whether she was a prostitute or not, her “sinful” activities most likely helped her to possess the expensive ointment in the alabaster jar. That was her past.

The expensive perfume or ointment was also symbolic representation of her future. Another commentator mentions that it could have been a dowry that a woman could have save for her future marriage, either to pour on her groom on the night of the wedding or a monetary security. However, since the woman was known as a sinner in the community, it is less likely that it was her dowry. But it is certain that it was what she saved, the most valued possession she had. That was her future and security.

On the other hand, if she was truly a prostitute, she could have used the perfume for her vocational activities. To entice her customers, she could have used it on herself. This is truly a conjecture but a reasonable one.

Going back to the meaning of breaking the alabaster jar of perfume, it was certainly an act of the woman’s repentance and dedication regardless of the meanings associated with the perfume/ointment. By breaking the jar, she was breaking the past patterns of her life. She was saying “no more” to the sinful life style. She was saying no more to her old value system. She was breaking her worldview she held dearly for many years. She was breaking her future security.

We can guess her situation when we read the text carefully. The whole community knew her as a “sinful woman”. She was looked down upon. She was not valued. She was an object of people’s gossip and sexual pleasure if she indeed was a prostitute. Only thing she held on to was the money she has earned, which is the alabaster jar of perfume/ointment. That was what she went back to when she felt ridiculed and as an object of contempt. Having the jar comforted her.

Nonetheless, she brings the jar to Jesus. Breaking the jar does not clearly indicate whether or not she literally broke the alabaster, but it is likely that it was never used since the perfume/ointment is often sealed. So it is possible that she broke the seal of the jar to anoint Jesus. Pouring out her past and future, she wept as she washed the feet of Jesus.

Washing someone else’s feet is an act we all are familiar with. It was also an act done by Jesus at the last supper. Jesus demonstrated humility and love by washing his disciple’s feet. But we do not think too often that Jesus’ feet were first washed by a woman, a sinful woman. And it was done in an extravagant way, using very expensive nard.

The reason that the Pharisee was indignant with her action is understandable if you study the culture of the time. Even today, if a woman washes a man’s feet who is not related to her is not considered an appropriate social behavior.  Furthermore, she unties her hair. The act of undoing her hair, according to a commentator, is equivalent to topless-ness in our standard. Any way, the action brings a subtle, if not overly, erotic or sensual atmosphere to the picture. If we were there, we would have felt very uncomfortable and critical like Simon, the Pharisee. Maybe, that is what she knows?

Yet, an unexpected reaction from Jesus stops all grumbling.  He sees the heart of the matter clearly. He does not judge what she does or what she did in the past. He sees her heart: Her repenting of her past. He sees that she is trusting her future in Jesus hand. She broke her heart for Jesus when she broke the alabaster jar of ointment. And Jesus took that broken heart.

Jesus says, “Your sins are forgiven.” “Your faith has saved you; go in peace” (v. 48 & 50).  Jesus takes her repenting heart and proclaims her purification like many priests have done in their culture. He not only tells her personally but let others hear that publically. She is no longer a sinner, as the community knows her as. And he declares to her a new identity and embraces her back into the community.

What is the alabaster jar in your life? What did you work all your life to accumulate? Is it a status? Is it an education degree? Is it monetary savings, bonds, stocks, and a house? Is it a reputation? All are good, and all are necessary. But in the process of accumulating these, where did you put God in your life’s priorities? Have you sinned while doing so? Is God happy with what you have done in the past and will be doing in the future?

When James, my husband, decided to resign from his pastoral ministry a dozen years ago, I thought it was the end of his career. At the time, he was an associate pastor of a mega church with higher education attainment than most of his peers. He had been climbing the ladder of his career well and had a great future ahead of him. But all of sudden, he quit everything and became a missionary. He basically broke his alabaster jar. He lost his security and status in his community. It was truly scary moment for all of us. 

But he needed to be broken before Jesus. God was calling him to do something special. He was able to share the gospel to Chinese friends and raised many young leaders in China. Through his brokenness, God sowed many new seeds.

Let’s examine our hearts. Is there something we need to give to Jesus today? Is there something I need to break that I place higher than God?  Is there something that God can use?

Women of the Bible Study #1: Abigail

Abigail

1 Samuel 25

Setting: David is not a king yet but has a private army of at least 600 armed men. Still running from Saul. Came to Moan dessert. (South of Israel, an area of Judah).

Main character: Nabal, Abigail, David                       

Main Point: Abigail was not only beautiful but also intelligent. By her quick action and discernment, she was able to save her family and stop David from shedding unnecessary blood.

Abigail

1. She knew right timing. When to be quick and when to wait. There were mentions of “quickly” 4 times: verses 18, 23, 34, 42^*** Abigail waited for Nabal to be sober to talk about what happened. 

2. She used her gifting: eloquent speech and food. She fed the angry men food, and she calmed the spirit of the angry man with the words of wisdom.
3. She recognized the god-given authority and prophesied for David.

* The women were mostly in domestic settings in those days. Taking care of her household is her main task. Prov.31 depicts wise women. Also women were used in political ties or connection. Eg. “But Saul had given his daughter Michal, David’s wife, to Paltiel son of Laish, who was from Gallim” (v. 44).

Nabal

1. He was a fool. Might not been his true name, but not clear if it isn’t either. However, all people called him including his wife and his servants.
1. He did not recognize the powerful man who saved his servants and flock.
2. He taunted David when he asked for support.
3. He was selfish and drunk with immediate gratification.

 David

1.     He was the anointed one who would be the king over Israel. But at the moment, he is only a leader of a private army. But yet, powerful with at least 600 armed men.

2.     He was discerning and god-fearing man who would not kill the anointed king, King Saul from chapters 24 & 26. But in the middle of these two chapters, in this chapter, he is about to kill a guy who would not reciprocate his favor, out of anger. It appears that he does not really think carefully of his action with prayerful heart. In stead, he hastily marches out to kill all men belong to Nabal, which he later recognize as avenging for himself and not a pleasing act before God (v 33).

Questions:

1.     Have you been caught in between two parties or conflicts? What is your response often?

2.     Do your family member or close companion clearly lack in judgment? How do you handle the issue?

3.     Have you ever triggered by a something minor and reacted irrationally? What was the real issue in David’s life at the time? What was your real issue at the time you over-reacted? 

(Research by Soo Lee)

Healing the Shame: Consolation of the Inner-child

"Consolation of the Inner-child" 

Oil on canvas, 36 x 24

All struggle with duality within. Healing is integrating the two. The wounded child should be heard and taken cared by God. This is my last project at Fuller.