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| Freedom 2012 Oil on canvas 36"x 48" |
I had begun a painting with a theme of “freedom” before I left to go back to China for my second term to serve as a missionary in 2005. I had painted a chain that was broken, but somehow it wasn’t quiet right. I felt it was a bit crèche and missing a substantial content. So I had packed it away for many years.
When the professor of the Grief and Loss class mentioned about the art project as a required assignment, the “unfinished” painting came to mind. As the class progressed, I learned that the grief process resembles life. Everyone goes through “ups” and “downs”, but the one who comes out of the “downs” and ventures on begins to have a new hope again. He or she will experience what I would call the “resurrection” from grief. That person will be stronger and more resilient as he or she experiences hope again.
Grief process is like walking in the dark tunnel. You feel like you are alone, in total isolation. No one seems to really understand you. However, grieving properly by taking each stage as it comes; whether it is anger, denial, resentment, or accepting; you will begin to see the glimmer light at the other end.
As I learned different grief process models, I began to reflect on the last seven years of my missionary work in China. I learned that during that period I experienced many unique challenges and losses. I realized that I did not grieve properly for I did not even know those were losses. The biggest loss for me was my idealized passion, which was almost naïve at times. When people that I was serving disappointed me, or the fact the ministry was not what I was fantasizing about, I felt depressed. I first denied it. Then I became angry. I was angry with God and the people around me. I was, eventually, disappointed at myself. Interestingly, when I felt I hit the bottom and felt totally useless, the Lord began to shower me with his new hopes and dreams again. Even now, I am slowly and cautiously beginning to have new hopes and dreams again.
This painting is a testimony of my journey as a missionary. This is to admit that there were times of dark tunnel-walking in my ministry. But as Psalms 23 indicates, it is not the valley of death that I am in, but only the valley of the shadow of death. It may look like dreadful death, but it cannot harm me for I have a light that penetrates even this kind of darkness.
